Written by Shade Amburgey ^^
1. ROCKFORD IS NOT A SUBURB OF CHICAGO
2. We pretend that it is anyway
3. The east side is objectively better than the west side
4. Crime capital of Illinois? Well sonny, I've only been in TWO car accidents and witnessed FOUR shootings since I've been born
5. Auburn St. is a great street to puke on. If you're adamant about not going to the west side, Perryville rd. is a good street too, especially either near Walton or Charles
6. Belvidere is a glorified skatepark of a town.
7. The best nail salons are the dirty ones in the seediest parts of town. We're talking fear-for-your-life sort of seedy
8. We're STILL angry over the Cherryvale Mall replacing the moving ramps with an elevator
9. We rely on the person sitting in the passenger seat to tell us when the light is green
10. Because we're so close to both places, the days leading up to a concert are spent wondering if we should go to the Bradley Center or United Center. Nothing ever happens in the Big Orange Box.
11. If you exited in Belvidere and you're starting to see the mall on the highway, that's a sign things are going to get way worse from here on out
12. All Rockford children have seen dead bodies before
13. The bus drivers do not know how their job works
14. You MUST accept the offer for gelato at Lino's.
15. The only thing in Rockford that isn't made of concrete is the Rock River. It's not made out of water either though
16. The Royal Dragon is the only place where a meal consisting entirely of 26 wontons is acceptable
17. DeKalb is the result of a divorce. DeKalb is Rockford and Chicago's child, but they got a divorce and now DeKalb is considered a part of the Chicago Metropolitan Area, except for weekends and holidays when it becomes part of the Rockford Metropolitan area
18. Every 3 miles there is an Old Country Buffet.
19. The only potato chips we sell are Mrs. Fisher brand
20. What do you mean, Machine Shed is based in Iowa?
21. Most Mexican food is poisoned here, unless its from Taco John's or Taco Bell.
22. Most food in general is poisoned here
23. We're like a southern Illinois town, except our mall has a Hot Topic AND a Spencer's
24. We are so Wisconsinite that you can marry your very own house and nobody will bat an eye
25. If you call security on a misbehaving child at the Cherryvale Mall, the guard will prove to you that he makes a better parent than you do
26. It is a legal requirement to go to Magic Waters. If your kid goes missing, that's the point. Magic Waters is designed for children to get lost
27. The last shred of dignity we have is being the home of Cheap Trick. And the drummer of Mudvayne
28. You can live here your entire life here and not know the names of most streets.
29. All neighborhoods must have at least 3 car washes
30. It's recommended to pray before, during, and after a drive through Rockford
31. All teenage girls have desires to play softball to follow in the footsteps of their grandmothers
32. Freeport? Machesney Park? Byron? What are you talking about?
33. You are legally allowed to steal pets from the pet store near the mall
34. Rockfordians have nightmares about their city becoming part of the Chicago Metropolitan Area
35. You'll know exactly where in Rockford you are just by looking at the houses. The more dilapidated, the more west you are
36. Violent racism around the metropolitan area is okay as long as it is not in Rockford itself.
37. If you're really proud of living in Rockford, you'll just say you live in Wisconsin!
38. The town has its own flower representing it: the traffic cone
39. We know the lyrics to our commercials' jingles better than our favorite songs
40. East and west Rockford are like two totally different worlds
41. Meet anyone exceptionally stupid? That's probably because they got into a very bad car accident and ended up with some nasty brain damage
42. There's strange humanoid beings trapped under our roads, and potholes are their way of communication